Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
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Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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