If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
