you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
