my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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