Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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