I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
