an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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