Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
