Swine flu. Run for my life!
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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