Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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