She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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