don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this beer tastes like vomit already
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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