They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
