as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
