Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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