when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
