Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
