True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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