By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
