Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
