OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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