I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
