this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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