The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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