For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
