He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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