Do you still have your period?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
