just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
