I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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