I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
