watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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