Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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