i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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