I'm really into asian looking animals
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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