You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You need Xanax blowdarts
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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