This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I skipped work to stalk him.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
