Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
