Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
