Jerry, you need to find god
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
