Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
