There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
