I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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