he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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