sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
