So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
