He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
