I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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