Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
