Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
