Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
