Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
