Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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