I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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