just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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