have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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