First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
