did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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