when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
