so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
