When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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